One Month. Disappointment: The Results of Idolatry.

Seminary has not been my only idol the past year… as I stood beside a fellow seminarian at the Andrew Bird concert in Boston I thought about how dissatisfied I was at my life, overall.

While studying for Hebrew on Tuesday Beth asked me, “so do you feel like God has affirmed you being here?”

There might be a lack of discernment in my response… but I’d say, at this point the scholarship has been the thing that anchors my decision to continue (seriously, how often are you BLESSED by the fact that you have a group of individuals choosing to pay for your education???). Silly how I did not want this to be the thing that “affirmed” my decision, but I realized that quite possibly I entered seminary too quickly. Not giving myself at least a whole summer to process and relax before throwing myself into it. This has left me exhausted, and lonely (there’s hardly anyone here during the summer).

I do not think its GCTS thats the problem, ultimately I think its a result of where my heart is. As Aaron and I left the concert that night and waited for the bus there was this homeless looking white guy who had the words “Jesus Saves” “Heaven or Hell” plastered all over his clothing. He was passing out tracts. I grabbed one. Surprisingly, they were pretty Gospel centered and the whole way home I felt heaviness on my heart. The truth is that this man REALLY believes Jesus. He knows that the only thing that truly matters in life is Christ and regardless of what anyone thinks of him he is willing to spend his time proclaiming that. This man possesses true faith- his priorities are in the right place (at least thats what I gather on the surface).

What happened to that faith? Did it leave as a result of “theology”? Isn’t theology suppose to spur you to love Christ more? I remember when I had really bad theology (ok, I’m sure I still have bad theology), but my point is I was passionate about Christ- He was my life. Maybe that was also because of the newness of my faith… but as I find myself ultimately “joyless” and unpassionate I am left mourning the fact that I’ve made other things more important than Christ- and so of course I am dissatisfied.

Maybe its better off I recognize this now as something that I struggle with. Its not just theology though, its a plethora of things. Certainly on the outside I look as though I am living a righteous life not engaging in “outward” sins- but when you submit to a God who judges your motivations well I’m more sinful then God has even allowed me to recognize or discern even now.

I’ve had little peace the past month- usually reading Romans brings comfort, and the other day God’s kindness was laid on my heart as I re-read this:

“For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit” (Romans 7:22-8:4)

My prayer for my time at seminary is that I would have a singular goal: to glorify God in the ministry that He has set out before me. Not that it would be about the ministry, but about bringing glory to Christ… and true faith knows where priorities should lie. My priorities still aren’t straight- thats apparent in where I place my money, my time, and most other things. I am self-centered, not Christ-centered and I know this is a battle I’ll face the rest of my life. I don’t want to “waste my life”- there is a singular goal in our living and I desire to be effective not for the sake of being effective but because this is pleasing to our LORD. Please pray along with me for this.