church shopping pt II & feeling at home.

Today I went to Christ the King, a Presbyterian church in Cambridge (Boston).  It was different.  The liturgical portions weren’t wholly unfamiliar (only because of my Catholic background)… but I’m not sure I’m cut out for that much liturgy.  I don’t want these words that I am suppose to recite to be devoid of true devotion.  I am not implying that this is the case for other individuals- just for myself.  I suppose I would deem its equivalent as reciting a song at an AoG church that’s filled with pronouns (it would be dishonest for me to say “Lord I’ll worship you all day long”- when the truth is I fail horribly, daily). 

Regardless I was completely ministered to by the hymns- what power lies in the truthfulness of their words.  But that was about it.  The message was what I wanted to hear (theologically correct), but I wasn’t grabbed by it (how important is that, though?) I don’t know. Next week I’ll try a popular congregational church around here, and then an Anglican church.  I think I’m really surprised at how many like-minded seminarians here have ended up in the Anglican church.  

 
Syd visited this weekend. We ran in the morning, went to Singing beach in the afternoon. Got ice cream (mmm!), went to NH (I’d never been) for a party, and then ended up in Boston for their famous fireworks.  For some moments I found myself feeling more at home.  Jon visits in about a week or so. That should be spectacular. I’m just hoping for some beach time, seriously- and other people to want to go as well.

trusting God to seek out His Elect.

I spend alot of time at Starbucks now. Its the closest coffee shop to campus, a mere 3 mile bike ride.  I’m all about spending long periods of time at places studying, so I’ll spend a good 5-6 hrs a day there.  
Brian. An older man, has some mental health issues.  He also spends alot of time at this Starbucks.  He bought me a coffee and some ice the other day. A very kind gesture.  He felt bad that I seemingly didn’t have the money to spend on Starbucks but was instead drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee (it just tastes better!)  He knows us seminary students… he’s searching. Today we preached the Gospel to Brian.  Today theology made its logical conclusion: application.  

I leave situations like that feeling so small.  And the great thing is its not about me or my words but its about Jesus and His call.  It is by His Spirit that anyone comes to the glorious knowledge of Christ… the pressure is off- but my heart is still grieved for this man.  Oh that he would be able to experience the riches of His grace.

hebrew devotionals.

today was better. had a great convo with a girl who sees eye-to-eye with me theologically.  It was a blessing! I’ve gotten all A’s on my hebrew quizzes, but I really feel like I’m struggling as I don’t always fully understand how I came to the conclusion I came to while translating.  I was more or less angry in class today- it took one little “devotional” section in our Grammar book to put things back into perspective.  Excerpt:

“most readers will be familiar with the name “Immanuel” and its meaning but now you can understand its etymology in Hebrew. It is composed of two words… the name is composed of the preposition “Eh-M” (with) to which has been affixed the 1cp pronominal suffix (us). The divine name comes at the end of the form… the name means “God is with us”  

Nothing profound, but it it spoke to me… mainly because YES I know and understand the preposition and the pronominal suffix now… so it gives meaning to all this… struggling.

I’m not sure if the Acts 29 church in Boston is where I am suppose to be. I think I might go… church “shopping.” I even hate the sound of that.

I’ve been hanging out with a certain seminarian who questions the core of my presuppositions and beliefs (within my own “theological tradition”). Its been, to say the least, some of the most eye opening conversations I’ve had in a long time. Honestly, just the simplicity and humble nature in which he presents his arguments has shown me my theological arrogance… maybe his perspective is radical- but its opened up my eyes even in the midst of things that I’ve been experiencing/praying through as of late. I wish I could reproduce the dialogue. Oh well.

Can I take a moment and brag on God? What an amazing God we serve, whose love for us cannot be measured. He loves me in spite of the inadequate nature in which I love Him back. Oh that I would wake up and my heart say, “LORD, how might I serve You today?” How gracious is He to minister to us. As lonely as I feel up here, He has chosen to walk beside me. Oh that I would serve Him and not my own selfish desires.

job interview for an office position on campus tomorrow.

like, real job, no more nannying or AFO door guard stuff… I’m really excited.

Interviews always make me nervous (actually, its probably just ‘fear of man’ issues)- regardless… I trust that if God wants me to have this job then I’ll get it. Pressure’s off, right? :)

One Month. Disappointment: The Results of Idolatry.

Seminary has not been my only idol the past year… as I stood beside a fellow seminarian at the Andrew Bird concert in Boston I thought about how dissatisfied I was at my life, overall.

While studying for Hebrew on Tuesday Beth asked me, “so do you feel like God has affirmed you being here?”

There might be a lack of discernment in my response… but I’d say, at this point the scholarship has been the thing that anchors my decision to continue (seriously, how often are you BLESSED by the fact that you have a group of individuals choosing to pay for your education???). Silly how I did not want this to be the thing that “affirmed” my decision, but I realized that quite possibly I entered seminary too quickly. Not giving myself at least a whole summer to process and relax before throwing myself into it. This has left me exhausted, and lonely (there’s hardly anyone here during the summer).

I do not think its GCTS thats the problem, ultimately I think its a result of where my heart is. As Aaron and I left the concert that night and waited for the bus there was this homeless looking white guy who had the words “Jesus Saves” “Heaven or Hell” plastered all over his clothing. He was passing out tracts. I grabbed one. Surprisingly, they were pretty Gospel centered and the whole way home I felt heaviness on my heart. The truth is that this man REALLY believes Jesus. He knows that the only thing that truly matters in life is Christ and regardless of what anyone thinks of him he is willing to spend his time proclaiming that. This man possesses true faith- his priorities are in the right place (at least thats what I gather on the surface).

What happened to that faith? Did it leave as a result of “theology”? Isn’t theology suppose to spur you to love Christ more? I remember when I had really bad theology (ok, I’m sure I still have bad theology), but my point is I was passionate about Christ- He was my life. Maybe that was also because of the newness of my faith… but as I find myself ultimately “joyless” and unpassionate I am left mourning the fact that I’ve made other things more important than Christ- and so of course I am dissatisfied.

Maybe its better off I recognize this now as something that I struggle with. Its not just theology though, its a plethora of things. Certainly on the outside I look as though I am living a righteous life not engaging in “outward” sins- but when you submit to a God who judges your motivations well I’m more sinful then God has even allowed me to recognize or discern even now.

I’ve had little peace the past month- usually reading Romans brings comfort, and the other day God’s kindness was laid on my heart as I re-read this:

“For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit” (Romans 7:22-8:4)

My prayer for my time at seminary is that I would have a singular goal: to glorify God in the ministry that He has set out before me. Not that it would be about the ministry, but about bringing glory to Christ… and true faith knows where priorities should lie. My priorities still aren’t straight- thats apparent in where I place my money, my time, and most other things. I am self-centered, not Christ-centered and I know this is a battle I’ll face the rest of my life. I don’t want to “waste my life”- there is a singular goal in our living and I desire to be effective not for the sake of being effective but because this is pleasing to our LORD. Please pray along with me for this.

auto tune the news.

do yourself a favor, youtube the other 4 of these- they are hilarious.

I couldn’t stop laughing inside.

“beards are my love language”

ladies lunch chatter always brings a smile to my face. Oh how true is the statement above! :)

almost a month.

today was wonderful.
God is so gracious.

tomorrow is Father’s Day- what a loving Father we have, who was willing to spare His own Son for our sake.
Oh how He loves us.